Never Going Back There
by essenceofsparkle
Summary: Set in Season 3, Buck struggles to deal with Ike's death. He is afraid the other riders, his family, will find out just what he's doing to deal with the death of his friend.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

A whole month has passed. Yet at the same time it feels like everything happened just yesterday. I am so tired I find it hard just to stand up straight. Doing my job properly seems like an impossible task. Before everything happened, doing my job properly was important to me. There's a big whole inside me I can't fill. When I take a moment to remember how much time has actually passed, I feel even more empty. Everything has been such a blur, one day blending into the other. A dark could has enveloped me, taking me on a journey from which I cannot leave and go home.

At this moment it's the only thing that will get me though the day and still feel like I am a living person. It is the only thing that, for a few moments, makes me forget all the bad things in the world. I find myself falling into my own world where I'm safe and sound and all is good. Nobody knows about what I am doing. I do not think I can tell them and for that I am shameful. I have a pretty strong feeling they will not understand. They are grieving as well and I the last thing I want is to burden them with this.

After it happened, Teaspoon is the only one who has really talked to me. Thinking about it, the conversation made me feel good. Teaspoon still cared about me enough to talk to me and see if I'm doing well.

"Buck, you're not eating properly," he told me. "I'm worried about you and so are the others." I don't think I rightly knew exactly how he was going to talk to me. Like he hesitated. At the moment that made me so angry I wanted to punch him. Why couldn't he understand that I just wanted to be left alone?

"I know," I answered. It was the only thing I could think of to say. "I'm just not feeling hungry much these days." In hope of lessening their burden I force food down my throat. I know I need food, but I cannot get it to stay down. After every painful meal I excuse myself to go out back and throw up. I make sure to go far enough away so they won't hear the purging sounds. I know I need to food to live, but what is the point of living when half of you feels dead?

Sitting in Sampson's stall I think to myself: this is the way of my people. Are they really my people? My minds races. At one point in life I thought they were. But now, I'm not so sure. Are these my people? My family? I can see their worry for me. I can see the way they're looking at me when they think I'm looking the other way. I can see everything. I have never done it before. I didn't even do it when my mother passed away. At first I thought it was disgusting. But then, I got used to it. The pain and the blood. The short feeling of euphoria that follows.

There is a part of me that knows Ike did the right thing. He made the ultimate sacrifice to save the life of the woman he loved. Emily. There is also a part of me that knows Ike was in the wrong for taking the bullet meant for Emily. Emily was the one meant to die. Not Ike. Emily. At first I really liked Emily. She was really good for Ike. She really made him come out of his shell. But now, I really hate her. She didn't even stick around after the funeral. She was going to be part of the family, but she took off and left us hanging. If Ike was so important to her, why didn't she want to know his family?

I want two things in life. I want Ike, my brother, to come back. And I want the pain to stop. I just want the pain to stop.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Jimmy Hickok arrived at the station just after night had fallen. He knew there would be no one waiting up for him so he lowered his shoulders and let things take the time they needed. There was no one waiting for him. There was something serene about the darkness of night that Jimmy couldn't really put his finger on. It was just the way it had always been for him. It was like all the creatures afraid to come out during the day suddenly sprang to life. They knew no one could see them and that they were safe. Creatures like himself.

Jimmy placed the saddle over the stall door and began to rub down his palomino mare. This was a job he really loved doing. The rhythmic motions of the brush flowing across the Sundance's coat calmed him. He had named her Sundance because the first time he had laid eyes on her, the colour of her coat made it seem like she was dancing on a ray of sunshine. He was at a place in his life when he needed a little sunshine. Working for the Pony Express had given him that sunshine. For the first time in his life he had found real friends. A family.

The last month had been like a living hell for all of them. It was almost hard to believe so much time had passed. It seemed like just yesterday one member of the family had left them forever. Jimmy took comfort in grooming his horse and cleaning his guns. Both were always at his side and calmed him. The rhythmic motions made him feel like he was doing something important. For the very first time in his life, he felt like he had an actual family. Everybody at the Pony Express station were his family. Then something like this came along and ruined everything.

Jimmy sighed and put the brush down. Sundance turned her head and looked at Jimmy. "Hey, why are you stopping now? It felt so good." Jimmy imagined she was saying to him and he had to chuckle at that. "You're a good girl," he told the horse and patted her shoulder. "Don't you let anybody tell you any different." Sundance neighed and nodded her head at this.

Jimmy was pretty sure he had the smartest horse in the world. Ike was always good with animals. The thought made it's way into his brain. Jimmy missed Ike. He sighed and wished his friend weren't dead. Closing his eyes, Jimmy knew that Ike couldn't have done anything else. That's what he told himself every times things were getting just a little too difficult to handle. If Ike hadn't gotten in the line of fire when he did, he wouldn't have been able to live with himself.

On his way back from putting the saddle and bridle away in the tackroom, Jimmy gave Sampson the donkey a handful of hay. The poor animal deserved it after having lost a friend. Sampson and Ike were the best of friends and the donkey was just as depressed as the rest of them. Jimmy found himself scratching Sampson behind the ears, just like Ike used to do. "You're a good boy," he told him. Then he stopped.

What was that? There, in the straw. There was something of a reddish brown colour. Jimmy bent down to take a closer look. There was an eerie feeling in the pit of his stomach. There was only one thing it could be. Jimmy hoped against all hope that it wouldn't be. A glowed hand pushed the straw away to reveal a floor stained with blood, both old and new.

How had the blood gotten there? As far as Jimmy knew no one had been injured in Sampson's stall. If someone had been injured, they would clean up after themselves. What had happened? Looking around for evidence he found small specks of blood covering the floor outside the stall. It looked like someone had tried to make them go away, but hadn't done a really good job of it. The small specks led all the way to the tackroom at the back of the stable. Evidence of whose blood it was must be somewhere in there.

Much in the same way Buck would track, Jimmy carefully searched the room for clues. He couldn't find anything except for some old bandages tucked behind some barrels of feed. Ike had once used them to support his knee after it had been injured falling off of a horse. The thing about the bandages which worried Jimmy the most was that they now looking like they weren't being used for support, but rather to stop a bleeding wound.

Jimmy tried to shrug it off, but it was no use. He wanted more than anything to think there was a natural reason for all this, but he couldn't. He knew something wasn't right. "I have to get to the bottom of this," Jimmy said to himself. "This is just too strange for something not to be wrong." He turned and looked back into the stables. All the horses were resting in their stalls where they belonged. The stable was completely calm, the complete opposite of the storm going on in Jimmy's head.

Realizing it would do no good to just stand dumbfounded in the tackroom, Jimmy decided it was time for bed. Closing the door carefully behind him, he looked at everybody in the bunkhouse. They were all sleeping peacefully. Everybody except for Buck who, yet again, seemed to be having a nightmare. Jimmy hated it when Buck were having nightmares. The sounds he made. It was like, for a few seconds he forgot how to breathe, then suddenly, he would gasp for air. And he was always mumbling something in an Indian language.

Jimmy shuddered. Trying not to make a sound, Jimmy walked over to Buck's bunk. Some time during the night, Buck must have kicked off the blanket in his sleep. As he pulled the blanket up over Buck's body, he whispered. "Things will get better, you'll see. You just have to be patient." Sighing, Jimmy headed back to his own bunk. He was dead tired, but unable to find sleep. The blood-stained floor. The bandages. Why someone had tried to wash away the blood on the floor, but not in Sampson's stall. There were so many dot to connect, but he couldn't find the connection. There was no logical explanation for this.

The following morning, Jimmy paid extra attention to what everyone was doing. Carefully, he took mental notes if anything seemed out of the ordinary. The only thing he could really put his finger on was that everyone, for once acted like civilized people around the table. One person was missing from the table.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Sitting down to try to get through breakfast in one piece, I find Jimmy staring at me from across the table. He's staring so intently, almost like he's trying to figure me out. It's uncomfortable and I hate it. I notice he's been staring at everybody else as well, but his eyes are always coming back to me. Does he know what's wrong? Does he know what I'm doing to get through the day? He can't even begin to phantom what I would do if that happens. Focus on eating your food, I tell myself. I refuse to let him know that I know he's watching me.

I try to swallow hard, but the bacon seems to be stuck in my throat. Coughing hard, everybody turns to me. A sense of panic runs through me. The last thing I want is to draw attention to myself. "I'm all right," I tell them and swallow the bacon down with coffee. I don't think they believe me, so I make an effort to pretend like nothing is out of the ordinary and that this is just like any other day. We're eating breakfast before getting ready to work. Teaspoon always tells us that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

When I am finally able to excuse myself a sense of relief flows through me. Finally I am able to get out of that horrid place. Sitting around the table to eat there's this pressure on my shoulders pushing me down, not allowing me to get up. I want things to get back to normal, but that can never happen. Once I am behind the barn I slide down against the wall. I am exhausted and I need some relief.

What? This isn't the place where I hid the bandages. I always make sure that they're out of view from anybody but me. Are my suspicions true. Does Jimmy know there's something wrong with me? He he found them and hid them from me? I want to strangle him and force him to give them back to me. He may know, but he has no right to take them from me. They are mine and belong to me.

Besides maybe Jimmy, there is one who knows the darkest of my secrets. Sampson. Oh, how Ike loved that donkey. There had been a special bond between the two. Sampson had cared about Ike the same way that Ike cared about Sampson. He used to say that it was only because he fed the animal, but I know there's something more behind it than food exchanging owners. The two were friends.

I am desperate.

It's strange. The effect doesn't seem to be as strong as it used to be. It only really works the way I want it to when I'm in Sampson's stall. I guess it is because when I'm here, I'm closer to Ike. When I'm here, it makes me feel like a part of Ike is still alive. Wrapping the bandages tightly around my arms reminds me that I have to get through the day.

There is a voice, way in the back of my mind, telling me I need to stop. This isn't healthy. This isn't the way it's supposed to be done. But I refuse to listen. For a moment the pain subsides. For a moment, I'm in ecstasy. I need this in order to survive.

Sampson looks me. His deep dark eyes are filled with sorrow. Can a donkey cry? If he could, I think the stable would be flooded by now.

"NO!" I wake up, drenched in sweat. I had the dream again. The dream where I got shot.

In the dream, I reach the saloon in time to save Ike's life. Before Ike given the chance to step in front of Emily and take the bullet meant for her, I come through the door and shoots Neville. We all live. Then I wake up to find that my dream is just that: a dream. In real life, I didn't make it in time to save Ike. It all seemed so real. Almost too real. The strange thing is, throughout the dream, I know I won't be able to make in time. I pray and hope and I will, but the road to the saloon just keeps getting longer and longer. Then I hear the sound of a gun firing. It is the wrong gun.

Immediately, Lou is by my side. She is giving me a hug and telling me that everything is going to be all right. Ever since we all found out that she was actually a girl, she's been like an older sister to me. At least that's what I think because I've never had a sister before. I thank the gods I'm wearing my long-john tops she she won't notice the bandages I have on. I want to tell her everything isn't going to be all right. It's my fault that Ike is no longer with us. It was my fault that I didn't reach the saloon fast enough. Instead of the words leaving my mouth, I weep on her shoulder.

In some ways, I want to tell the truth, tell the whole world. I want to climb the tallest mountain and yell out how my life is like living in hell. What I've been doing to relieve the pain. Let the cat out of the bag. But if I do, I don't want to think about what will happen if I do.

I'm growing weak. Just trying to get out of bed in the morning I something I look upon as a major task. Today I noticed that my clothes were getting too big. I even had to fasten my belt a notch tighter than what I normally do. The water in the washbasin splashes across my face and runs down like tears. I see my reflection in the mirror and I find myself looking like a white mad. Pale and dishonest. I've been telling nothing but lies. The few times I've opened my mouth to speak nothing but lies has come out of it. Saying I'm fine when I'm not. I haven't slept. I haven't eaten. The way I've been living I should be dead.

There is a voice inside me telling me what I'm doing is wrong. I should tell the truth. What? Am I saying the ways of the Kiowa are wrong? Is that what my inner voice has been telling me? That I've been living in the white world for far too long and have forgotten the ways of my people. No! That can't be it. I proved my spirit to be Kiowa less than a year ago. Yet, my brother asked me to return to my people. The white world?

"Come back to your people." Those were his exact words. Brother, were you too blind to see the way I lived in the village? I tried to tell you that, but you wouldn't listen.

"Scorned? Have you forgotten how I lived in the village? Eating alone after everyone else had finished. Sleeping with their eyes on my back. To them, I was WHITE!"

Running Buck Cross, will you get a grip! You are not white. Red Bear said it was so, but you refused to believe him.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Over the breakfast table, Jimmy, yet again looked everybody over. His gaze, though, kept returning to Buck. He doesn't have it easy. Teaspoon has only been giving him the shorter runs, wanting him closer to home. Jimmy could not even begin to imagine what was going through Buck's mind. How he managed to get through the day, Jimmy had no idea. Jimmy had had moments in his own life when he just wanted to lie down and die. After his father had gotten killed, he knew he wanted to leave home. In his twelve-year-old mind, he couldn't for the life of him understand why the rest of his family were grieving the man's death. The world was probably a better place without him in it. Jimmy was sure that his mother and him were the only ones who could really see that side of him. There was no longer a need for Jimmy at the small farm. The rest of the family could manage.

Buck must be feeling like that now. Wanting to lie down and just disappear to the world.

After breakfast, Jimmy took to brooding over the discoveries he had made as of late. Nobody had tried to clean up the blood in Sampson's stall. Yet, someone had tried, and failed to clean up the blood on the floor leading to the tackroom. That someone didn't want anyone to find out and that was why the bandages were hidden from view. It couldn't just be some drifter gone astray. It had to be one of them.

Dismissing any idea of how the blood had gotten there, Jimmy went to mull over whose blood it was. Which one of them had a reason to hide something. There was no need to mention any normal scratch, as there was too much blood for that. That leaves Cody out as Jimmy figured he would fuss over a splinter. Lou or Kid? No. If one of them had gotten injured somehow, the other would be sure to let the whole station know. That left Noah, Buck, Teaspoon and Rachel. Now, which one of them was it? Jimmy clenched his fists in frustration. Just when he had gotten close to figuring things out, his brain had stopped working.

Jimmy decided to start anew. Now, which one of them had been acting funny? That was an easy one to answer; all of them. Over the last month they had all changes. Grown up. Reality had given them all a real kick in the butt.

There must be a way to eliminate three of the suspects.

"Now, what's got your brain tied up in a knot?" asked Jesse.

"Huh?" Jimmy snapped out of the trance like state of thought and looked up at the young boy.

"Well, you've been sitting here staring at the same spot for two hours. Either there's something really interesting about that particular spot, or you're thinking too hard."

Jimmy smiled. "Bit of both, I guess."

"Why?"

"Oh, all the questions," sighed Jimmy. "Don't you have homework to do?"

"Done them."

Sometimes Jimmy had the urge to smack Jesse up the head. "Why don't you go see Teaspoon to see if he's got something for you to do other than hanging around me all day."

Upon seeing the look in Jimmy's eyes, Jesse quickly disappeared.

Jesse; Jimmy hadn't even thought about him. Now he had a grand total of five suspects. No matter how hard Jimmy tried to get his head around it, everything seemed to just blend together.


	5. Chapter 4

Don't they miss him? Don't they care that he's gone for all time? They're laughing and joking and seemingly having a good time. All except for Jimmy, that is. But Jimmy is Jimmy. Too many ghosts and too much to worry about in order to have a good time. When Jimmy isn't angry about something or someone, he has a tendency to brood.

Neither of us are on runs today so, with the exception of chores, we all have the day off. Before Ike passed, I really enjoyed those days. Now, I hate them. There's nothing to take the mind off of the fact that I'm alone. When the chores are done, there's always someone everywhere so I can't seek the release I so desperately want.

Lately, I've been thinking about just ending everything. Then I can be together with Ike again and the rest of them won't have to worry about me any more. Jimmy has been studying me, though not as much as he used to. Maybe he realized that there's nothing to figure out.

I wonder what it feels like – ending everything. A part of me wants to find out, but I'm scared to. What is it you've been doing for the last month.

"The rest of us are going down to the pond for a swim before dinner. You coming?" asks Cody, looking at me sitting on the porch.

"Nah, bought a book on my last run, I'd like to read it." I avoid looking at Cody. Though he talks and eats enough for three, he's not stupid. He could probably tell if I were lying.

"Buck, c'mon. It's too warm to sit inside cooped up behind a book. Doesn't a nice water fight sound better?"

Actually, it does, but there are parts of that you really don't want to see. And it stings when it come into contact with water. "Nah, I'd rather read."

"Ah, Buck, c'mon," Cody whines.

"Cody, I said no and I meant it. Is that so darned hard for that brain of yours to understand?"

I get up and now I'm standing a foot away from him. Right now, I feel like smashing his head in. Why is it that he can't take no for an answer? Cody looks at me in disbelief. Like he's scared of me or something. What? Me raising my voice frightens you? It's strange. Normally, I would never raise my voice. I scaring myself. What's happening to me? Normally, I would go along to the pond and enjoy being out in the sun, but something inside me has changed. I want toy be alone, I spent most of my life by myself, but this is different.

"What'd I ever say for you to bite my head off?" Cody asks me after he's gotten over the shock of me yelling at him. The confusion is painted on his face.

"Sorry," I tell him. "Didn't mean to if I did." I take a step back while looking at him apologetically, though I don't really feel like I owe him an apology. At some point he has to stop acting like he's ten.

"If you change your mind, you know where the pond is," Cody says before he quickly joins the others. It's only now that I see they've been watching me. Really watching me. He's trying to get away from me. I just know it. Like I'm not good enough for him. I'm not white. That's his problem. The only reason they still let me work here is because I was Ike's friend.

As I turn around to enter the bunkhouse, there's a sudden pain in my right arm. Both of my arms have been hurting since I started, but not like that. It's like my arm is frozen into one position and I can't move it. I've been too focused on how annoying Cody is or I've been too deep in my own thoughts to notice it. I feel light-headed and I just want to lay down to a dreamless sleep. Right now, I would give anything for a sleep without the nightmare that has become my nemesis. I would kill for the experience of waking up without knowing that I was the one that really killed Ike. The others know it too and that's why they're looking at me in the way they do.

I lie down in my bunk and stare at the bunk above mine. The one that used to belong to Ike. If I try really hard, I can still hear his soft snores. There is a tear making its way down my cheek. That's the last thing I remember before I succumb to sleep.


	6. Chapter 5

Jimmy leaned against the big oak tree while letting the sun dry his hair. He had decided that, for now, he would not think about the blood on the floor or the way Buck had acted towards Cody. It was the first time that Buck had ever raised his voice against anyone. Cody had been pestering him about it all the way to the pond. At first he had listened, but eventually everything just went in one ear and out the other. It was a technique his sister had taught him when dealing when the drunken ramblings of their father. And it worked pretty well.

Though he tried very hard not to think about it, he just couldn't help seeing those bandages in his minds eye. Teaspoon had once said that when you concentrate too hard on just one thing, the brain ties itself into a knot and plum stops working. Jimmy knew that to be the truth. He hadn't gotten one step further in figuring out who it was. Maybe he could try talking to Teaspoon. Get a second set of eyes on the subject.

Rachel entered the bunkhouse to prepare dinner. She was surprised to hear Buck's rhythmical snoring as she was sure he had gone with the others to the swimming hole. Might be just as good to have him sleeping instead of swimming. He sure needed it. How any of the boys could get any sleep with Buck's snoring was beyond here. She began preparing dinner as quietly as she could so as not to wake Buck.

It wasn't a good sleep, she noted, but eventually he calmed down.

"Where's Buck?" asked Cody as the gang entered the bunkhouse for dinner. Before Cody had a chance to say anything more, Rachel hushed him and gave him a warning eye.

"He needs his sleep, so I want none of the usual noise. Am I making myself clear?" Everyone nodded, even Cody who was wondering how he was going to get through this meal without opening his mouth other than to eat. He just had to keep his attention on eating his food and not everything else.

"Are you going to eat that?" Cody, the first one to open his mouth asked, looking hopefully at Jimmy sitting across the table. Jimmy hadn't eaten much of his dinner.

"What?" Jimmy looked up from the meatball that he had spent the last five minutes shuffling around with his fork.

"Are you going to eat that, or just pretend that it's a locomotive?"

"You can have it. I'm not really that hungry anyway." And with that Jimmy excused himself and went to his bunk for an afternoon nap. He had done all his chores and intended to spend his time off away from all things that could be compared to Jesse's questions. He didn't have to look at Buck to find that he was soundly asleep. The snore that had driven him to a point near insanity, and now couldn't sleep without. Vouvhed for that.

"Teaspoon, can I talk to you?" Jimmy stood in the doorway to the Marshal's office with his hat in his hand, interrupting Teaspoon's nap.

"Unless it's something important, no." said Teaspoon and lowered his feet to the floor. He knew that it was something important as Jimmy would have better sense than to wake him otherwise. Jimmy pulled up a chair and sat down next to him.

There was this sort of awkward silence between the two of them until Teaspoon finally broke it. "You got something to say, or are ya just going to sit there?"

"Well, I don't know exactly where to begin." Jimmy shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Let's say that if you got a friend and you think that friend is in some serious trouble, but you're not sure. What do you do?"

"Well, how much trouble are we talkin' 'bout here? Are we talking just regular girl trouble or are we talking something else?" Jimmy knew that Teaspoon knew there was something else.

"Something else." Jimmy had a gut feeling that talking to Teaspoon was a bad idea, but if someone was going to put Jimmy's head straight it was him. He had to gain the courage to speak up and to speak now.

"But you're not completely sure?" Jimmy nodded, swallowing hard. "Then I'd say you're to keep you're eyes and ears open till you're completely sure and then you try to help your friend. Who is this friend, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I don't know yet." Jimmy looked down at his boots, wiggling his toes inside them, not wanting to look at Teaspoon. Teaspoon was probably thinking that he had destroyed a perfectly good afternoon nap with no good reason.

"Then find out who and then see you can help him and if you can't, come see me again. I'll try to help as best I can." Teaspoon effectively declared the conversation ended and Jimmy asked a final question before leaving the office to ponder what he was going to do next.

"Teaspoon, I was wondering. Could I get a few days off to try and figure things out? To visit my sister or something."


	7. Chapter 6

It's dark out and I know I should be asleep like the rest of the guys. Well, the rest of them except from Jimmy that is. He's visiting his sister. I'm the only one who can't sleep. There's too much going on inside my head and my arms hurt like hell. I slept through most of the day anyway. 'That's not an excuse.' The voice inside my head says. The voice has been talking to me a lot lately. Ever since I started to cut, it's been talking to me. It's been telling me to do the right thing. Tell the others that I'm not doing well. But I'm stronger. I know what the right thing is. Take care of my own problems. Work things out for myself. If Ike was here, he'd help me fix things, but he ain't and that's my fault.

Ouch! What the heck is happening to me? My arms hurt like they are about to fall off my shoulders.

Jimmy was awakened from an uneasy sleep as he heard someone enter the barn. It wasn't his intention to fall asleep, it just happened. He had agreed with Teaspoon that he could have a few days off to visit his sister who was with child. After riding till Rock Creek was just a tiny spot in the horizon, he rode so that he could enter Rock Creek again from the east and thus he wouldn't get noticed entering town. After placing Sundance at the livery, he waited until dark before sneaking into the barn. There he would wait until whoever it was came back.

How he knew that the one whose blood it was would come back? If he was asked he couldn't give you a sensible answer, he just knew. It was something his gut told him and his gut was usually right.

Careful not to make a sound, he got up to see who had entered the barn. He was surprised to see it was Buck. He anxiously waited to see what Buck was doing, hoping against all hope he was just catching some air.

Buck looked around him as if he was checking if someone was there. He walked over to Sampson's stall. Jimmy drew a deep breath and swallowed hard, silently hoping Buck hadn't heard him. He felt bad enough sneaking around, and being caught wouldn't make things any easier.

Not knowing if he really wanted to know the truth, Jimmy peaked over into Sampson's stall, hoping that Buck were only there to say hello to his old friend.

In anticipation, Jimmy watched as Buck scratched Sampson's mane and whispered a few sweet nothings in his ear. Sampson, with half closed eyes, sighed in content, but Jimmy had been around animals long enough to notice when one wasn't happy, and Sampson wasn't a happy camper.

Buck sat down, leaning against the wall. Jimmy held his breath, too scared of what would happen if he were found out. If he moved as much as a single muscle, he would be discovered.

Sampson nudged Buck's shoulder, asking to be scratched again.

"Not now," Buck muttered and with a lazy hand, he pushed Sampson away.

Sampson raised his head, looking Jimmy straight in the eye, pleading for help.

Buck drew his left leg up and took his knife out of the sheath. He studied it as if it was the first time that he had seen it. Then, before Jimmy had a chance to grasp what was happening, Buck had rolled up one sleeve and cut himself.

When Jimmy saw the blood and Buck's euphoric smile, he emptied his stomach.


	8. Chapter 7

Jimmy pinned Buck up against the wall, an emotion that couldn't be put into any known category on his face. On one hand, he was happy that he had finally figured everything out, but on the other he was mad at Buck for scaring the living hell out of him. Scared because Buck could have died doing what he was doing. Horrified and disgusted at the sight and thought of what he was doing.

"What have you been up to for the last month?" Jimmy demanded, looking Buck square in the eye.

"What are you talking about?" Buck was scared alright. Jimmy silently vouched that he was going to break Buck. If they both died in the process – so be it.

"Don't try to wrangle your way out of this! You know too damn well what I'm talking about!" Their faces were three inches away from each other.

"Honest, I don't know what you're talking about." 'Or does he?'

"Buck Cross. I've been in enough poker games to know when a person is lying. And you're doing a lousy job at it."

"You wouldn't understand." That was one step closer to a confession.

"Just try me. I understand a whole lot more than you think." Jimmy didn't understand this.

"No." Buck glared at him.

"I said – try me!" Jimmy purposely put pressure on every word. If that's the way that Buck wanted to play it, he was just going to have to force it out.

"NO!" Buck raised his voice in a vain attempt to get Jimmy to leave him alone.

"I SAID – TRY ME!" Jimmy spat, his jaw clenched.

"You wouldn't care anyway." Jimmy loved seeing Buck squirm. He was beginning to get the upper hand.

"Why the HELL do you think I'm standing here yelling at you for! That I can't stand you? That I think you're nothing more than a dirty injun? Well, you're wrong. Where's your head? Everywhere but in between your shoulders, that's for sure. You're my brother, for God's sake! You're my brother..." Jimmy's voice trailed off. He hadn't realized that until now. This was his family.

'What?' Buck shook his head to get rid of what Jimmy had just told him. At first he had thought that Jimmy was calling him stuff that he didn't like being called, but then he said that they were brothers. "I'll be fine. Now if you'll excuse me I got some work to do." Buck turned around to leave, but Jimmy slammed him back into the wall.

"No, we ain't through yet! You still haven't answered my question."

"I told you. You wouldn't understand." Again Buck turned to walk away and again he was slammed back into the wall.

"And I said try me."

"I said you wouldn't care."

"You're my brother and I do care."

"Not really." Stated Buck as matter of fact. 'We don't share blood and you know that.'

"We're all family. Tell me; have you never caught yourself on the verge of calling Teaspoon, Pa?" How many times had Jimmy caught himself calling Teaspoon, Pa?

"That's none of your business." 'So I'm not the only one.'

"Then I'll make it my business!"

"How many times do I have to tell you – I'm fine. I'm fine." 'No, you're not,' a voice inside him said.

"No, you ain't fine. You ain't eating. You ain't sleeping. Noticed how Teaspoon ain't been sending you on any runs?"

"I miss him, alright? You happy now?"

Even closer to a confession.

"There's more to the story and you know it!"

"No, there's not more to the story. Why can't you just believe me?"

"This is why I don't believe ya!" In one swift motion, Jimmy ripped the sleeves off of Buck's shirt, exposing the bloody bandages. For a second the whole world stopped. Buck stared at Jimmy in utter disbelief, while Jimmy couldn't take his eyes off of Buck's arms and the blood stained bandages. He felt like he was going to be sick, or cry, or both at the same time.

"I got jumped on a run," Buck explained. 'Liar. Liar. Pants on fire.' "It's nothing bad, so I didn't want to make a big fuss about it."

"If I check your knife, am I gonna find blood on it?" Jimmy had finally managed to move his eyes.

"So I've been cutting myself. What's it to ya?" This was exactly what Jimmy wanted, a confession. Yet why did he feel like he had just gotten punched ten times in the gut.

"Why?" He managed to utter after about 10 seconds.

"You wouldn't understand." Buck stated, looking at the ground. "Just leave it alone Jimmy, this has got nothing to do with you," continued Buck. His voice was very quiet.

"Buck, this is..." Jimmy made hand gestures in the general direction of Buck's arms. "Sick!" It was the only word that he could think off.

"Maybe it's sick to a white man. But to me it makes perfect sense."

"You're gonna end up killing yourself!" Jimmy yelled. Angry, tears in his eyes.

He saw the look on Buck's face when he said that and then he began to understand. Or so he thought.

"Is that what you want? You wanna die? You wanna kill yourself Buck? Hell, I coulda taken care of that for ya! All ya had to do is ask!" Jimmy drew his gun and placed the barrel well up under Buck's chin. "Instead of draggin' it out and makin' us watch you suffer, let's just get it over with. Right here! Right now!" Jimmy wanted to scare him, to make him realize what he was doing didn't just hurt himself.

"Go ahead." Buck grabbed the gun, his hand over Jimmy's, and jammed it further in under his chin. Then he cocked it.

Jimmy had a hard time believing what was happening. Was Buck's grief so deep that he saw death as the only way out? Realizing that his mouth was open, Jimmy quickly shut it. That was the only movement he made. Buck's actions had paralysed him.

They stared at each other for what seemed like minutes – face to face. Jimmy tried to take the gun away, but Buck held on – his knuckles turning white.

"What's the matter Hickok? Ain't got the stomach for it?" Buck spat. "Just shoot me. No problem. All you have to do is to pull the trigger. Just pull the trigger." Buck was pleading now.

Jimmy jerked the gun away. "Are ya blind? I'm trying to help you!" he screamed.

"It's too late, Jimmy. I can't be helped." With great sadness Buck's eyes went to the floor – not wanting to look Jimmy in the eye.

"You think I don't miss him? That I don't wake up everyday thinking he's gonna be in the bunk across from me, and then when he's not, that I don't feel that pain all over again? Buck, we ALL do. You ain't alone."

"He was all I had," Buck explained, his voice thick with emotion.

"What do you mean? What about me, and Cody, and Lou, ain't we your friends too?" Jimmy looked at Buck, hoping that he was finally getting through to him. "If anything happens to you, it'll kill Lou. You know how much she loves you? It'll kill all of us."

"Not like him. He was special. He was the first person besides my mother that treated me like I'm human. Don't ya see? He was the first person that wasn't obligated to." Buck bit his lip. "I just want the pain to stop." His voice could barely be heard as it was now but a whisper.

"And mutilating yourself makes the pain stop? That's stupid."

"It's a release. If I don't do it I'm not gonna make it through the day."

"This ain't gonna bring him back Buck. He's gone. You gotta start letting him go."

"I can't. I CAN'T! Don't you understand that?!" Now Buck was the one who was screaming. "There's nothing left for me!" Jimmy had loosened his hold on Buck as all the fight seemed to have gone out of him. Buck slid down the wall, until he was sitting on the floor of the barn his knees drawn up to his chin, his head in his hands.

"You're gonna keep on living Buck, we all are." Jimmy tried to sound hopeful, for himself as much as for Buck. Buck looked up at him, and Jimmy thought his face looked gaunt and pale. Too pale.

"Now you're the one who's blind. What do you think is gonna happen to me when the waystation's sold? When the express is over, I've got no job and nowhere to go."

"Neither do I."

"Yes you do. You're a white man who's fast with his gun. You can go anywhere you want."

"Buck…" started Jimmy as he knelt down beside him, but he was interrupted.

"I'm a half-breed Jimmy. A half-breed with no family and no job. Where do you think I'll end up? On some Army post or reservation waiting to die!"

"Buck," continued Jimmy. "Your blood is what Wild Bill is to me. It ain't gonna go away, so you gonna have ta learn how to live with it. To cope."

"You're white. I'm not. It's the truth and you know it."

"When I walk down the street; Don't ya think that I got everybody's eyes on my back? Don't ya think I wake up every day wondering if this is my last? If this is the last cup of coffee that I'll drink? If this is the last sunrise that I'll see?" Jimmy hissed through clenched teeth. This silenced Buck. "You ain't the only one feeling lost." Jimmy's voice trailed off again. He had wanted Buck realize that what he was doing didn't do no good and in the process he had realized that, in many ways, they were the same.

"Let's talk to Teaspoon. We can go together if you want... he'll help us figure this out." Jimmy still had tears in his eyes, but his anger had given way to sadness. He gently nudged Buck on the shoulder – encouraging him to get up.

"He can't fix this Jimmy."

"We gotta try."

"No, I just can't. Some things just can't be fixed."

"Buck, Teaspoon the smartest man I know. Heck, he even managed to knock some sense into my skull. That don't count for nothing." Jimmy strained to put a smile on his face, thinking that a joke on his expense might loosen Buck up a little.

"I can't. If I tell Teaspoon the truth... He'll..." Buck stopped as if he was searching for the right words. "He'll hate me."

"He won't. Teaspoon will never hate you. Any of us."

"He will. Jimmy... I'm the one that killed Ike!" 'What? Did I just say that? Well, now Jimmy knows everything. There ain't nothing to be done about it.'

"No! Neville killed Ike! You had nothing to do with it!"

"Jimmy, you were there. I wasn't fast enough. I didn't make it to the saloon in time. When I got there. Ike was already... The blood..."

"Buck, that ain't the truth. If Ike hadn't jumped to save Emily... He wouldn't have been able to live with himself afterwards. He..." Jimmy sighed. "He did the right thing and there was nothing either of us could have done."

"The blood... Ike was already..." Uncontrollably, Buck repeated it over and over – shaking back and forth. Jimmy was at loss. He had no idea what was happening to either of them.

Now Jimmy understood what Buck's demon was. He thought that he was responsible for Ike's. It wasn't unusual that when things went wrong in town Buck was the one that got blamed, even when he had a bullet-proof alibi he still got blamed.

"Buck." Jimmy tried to get his attention, but Buck was lost in his own mind. "Everything's gonna be fine. Things will get better. You just have ta believe that."

He put a hand on Buck's arm, and noticed that Buck was shivering. It wasn't cold in the barn, but he was shaking uncontrollably now. It was like he had no control of his own body. Jimmy turned Buck's face to look him in the eye, and when he did, he felt the fever.

"Jesus, you're burning up!"

"Buck!" he yelled, but his friend was delirious now. Jimmy felt a moment of panic. What should he do? He didn't want to leave Buck, but he had to get some help. And he couldn't very well be two places at once. Though right now he tried to be. How would he explain this? What should he do? Would Buck be all right? What was going to happen to him?

"All right, don't worry. I'm gonna go get some help and we'll get you fixed up…" He took his coat off and put it over Buck, then got up and ran toward the barn door. He ran right into Teaspoon.

"Good gracious. Who's on your tail? I heard you yellin' out in the yard. What's goin on in here?" asked Teaspoon. He looked past Jimmy and saw Buck slumped against the wall, shaking.

"What the hell…?" Teaspoon felt his jaw drop to the floor.

"I think he's sick," explained Jimmy. His relief at seeing Teaspoon was so great that he almost felt like he was going to faint.

"Did you find him like this?" Teaspoon asked as he rushed to the Buck's side.

"Not exactly. We were talkin' and he…he started getting upset, then he just started shaking."

"He's burning up." Teaspoon felt Buck's face and tilted it up to look in his eyes. He was close to losing consciousness now. At that moment, Jimmy's coat fell to the ground and Teaspoon saw Buck's torn shirt and his bare arms. He saw the cuts, old and new overlapped, his eyes went wide with shock.

"Mother of God, what happened to him?" Teaspoon turned to Jimmy. "Did somebody in town do this?" Turning back to look at Buck's arms, Teaspoon removed the sleeves completely and saw more cuts. He couldn't believe it.

"He did it." Jimmy answered quietly, looking at the ground.

"What?" Teaspoon thought, wished, he had heard wrong.

"He did it to himself!" Jimmy answered, louder now, the hurt and anger he felt coming out in his voice.

"Are you sure?" Teaspoon was laying Buck on the floor now, and had grabbed a clean saddle blanket to cover him up. The only sign that Buck was alive was the violent shivering. He had to get the doc, but he wanted to get this story straight first.

Jimmy didn't answer. He was looking at Buck; tears in his eyes. "I said are you sure?" The older man spoke louder and grabbed Jimmy's arm to get his attention.

"Yes! Yes, I'm sure!" Jimmy shook him off, then ran a shaking hand through his hair. Though he trusted Teaspoon to fix everything, there was still panic flowing freely in his veins. "That's what we were talking about when he…when this happened. He blames himself for Ike getting killed and, he said that it… helps."

Teaspoon took a deep breath, trying to get his mind around everything that was happening. Jimmy was a mess, so he'd have to go get the doctor. He didn't want the other riders knowing about this either. Buck was trying to hide what he was doing and Teaspoon aimed to keep it that way. He had a feeling that everyone finding out wouldn't exactly make things better for Buck.

"All right Jimmy, now I want you to listen to me." He turned Jimmy so that his back was to Buck and he couldn't see him. "I want you to go in the house and wake Rachel. Tell her that Buck is sick and we need to get him into her spare room. Then come back out here and you and I will have to get him in the house. If anybody stops you, or asks you any questions, do not tell them anything. You understand me?" Teaspoon locked his gaze and Jimmy nodded.

"Hurry."

Jimmy ran toward Rachel's. He had no idea what exactly he was doing. He just did as Teaspoon told him. It seemed like Rachel's house just got farther and farther away the closer he actually got to the house.

In less than 5 minutes Jimmy was back in the barn. Luckily no one had seen him go in to the house this late. Teaspoon prayed their luck would hold and they could get Buck into the house without anyone seeing them. Maybe for once all the other boys had turned in early.

They carried Buck in as gently as they could. Luckily, there was a spare bedroom on the first floor, so they didn't have to contend with the stairs. Rachel's face was full of concern as she watched Teaspoon and Jimmy lay Buck on the bed.

"Just get him covered up and try to keep him warm," Teaspoon said as he was about to head out the door.

"Teaspoon, what's wrong?" Rachel asked.

"Just work on getting that fever down Rachel. I'll be back as soon as I can."

His avoidance of her question only increased her worry. "It's bad isn't it?" she looked Teaspoon in the eye, and knew the answer already.

"We'll talk when I get back." As he walked down the hall to the front door, Jimmy followed him.

"Teaspoon? He's gonna be all right... ain't he?" The older man was walking out the door and down the front steps, with Jimmy at his heels.

"That's why I'm goin' for the doctor Jimmy, so he can answer that question."

"Why can't you answer it?" Jimmy asked, the sound of panic was evident in his voice again.

"I don't have time to right now son."

"Is he gonna die? I knew I should've told you about this sooner, but I didn't know it was him… I didn't know what to do… Then, I tried to tell him we should talk to you about it but he..."

Jimmy was talking faster and faster, on the verge of losing control. Teaspoon turned around and grabbed him by both arms, shaking him slightly.

"Jimmy! You gotta calm down now. We'll talk about all this when I get back here, but the longer we wait, the harder it's gonna be to break that fever. Just go back inside and do whatever Rachel tells you. I'll get back here as quick as I can, all right?"

Jimmy nodded and, taking a deep breath, trying to calm down.

Teaspoon mounted his horse, and Jimmy looked up, with one last question.

"He ain't gonna die of this fever, is he?

"It's not the fever I'm worried about Jimmy."

With that, Teaspoon was gone. Jimmy turned and hurried back in the house.

Upon entering the room again, Jimmy noticed that Rachel was already washing Buck's forehead with a damp cloth.

"Jimmy, what's wrong with him?" Rachel pleaded. He pulled out a chair and sat down next to the bed.

"Let's wait till Teaspoon comes back with the doc." Jimmy was too upset by the situation to even think straight. He didn't know what he was going to tell Rachel anyway, so he just repeated what Teaspoon had told him. What else could he do?

Jimmy started to remove Buck's boots. Just because he was lying there fighting for his life didn't mean that the bed had to get dirty. He thought that maybe if he could actually DO something for Buck, he'd feel better. And it was partially his fault that Buck was laying there right now, he was the one that screamed at him.

Before he could take off the second boot Jimmy saw Buck's knife. It was strapped to his boot, just where it should be. Jimmy reached down and very carefully, removed the knife from the sheath.

Sitting in silence, he stared at it. Buck's blood could clearly be seen. It hadn't dried yet. The light from the lantern made the blade sparkle.

"Jimmy, are you 'right?" asked Rachel. Jimmy didn't answer. He didn't even hear her voice. All he could do was to focus on the knife. The knife that Buck had used to cut his own flesh. Suddenly, Jimmy was bombarded with images in his minds eye: The blood in Sampson's stall, the bandages, the cuts he'd seen on Buck's body, that haunted look in his eye when Jimmy asked him if he wanted to die... Jimmy stared at the knife, and felt the bile rise in his throat. He swallowed hard, trying to force it down, but it was no use. The knife fell to the floor with a clatter, and before he could even get up and out of the chair, Jimmy threw up.

"Jimmy!" Rachel grabbed an empty bowl and got it under his chin just as he threw up again. After a moment, she took the towel that she had been using on Buck, and started to clean Jimmy's face. He took it from her and sat back in the chair, trying to catch his breath.

"You're white as a sheet! What is it?" Jimmy didn't doubt that he looked awful. He felt it.

When he didn't answer, she got another towel and began to clean the mess on the floor.

"I'll do it," said Jimmy.

"It's all right," answered Rachel. "I can..."

"I said, I'LL DO IT!" Jimmy grabbed the towel out of her hand, and Rachel looked at him as if she'd been slapped.

Jimmy stopped and put his head in his hands. Rachel took the towel from him and wordlessly, started wiping the mess. "I'm sorry," Jimmy finally said, his voice hoarse with emotion. When he looked at her, her eyes were full of tears.

Rachel had seen Jimmy angry at times. He was a hothead, always ready for a fight; that was nothing new. But she'd never seen him like this before. It scared her.

She was kneeling on the floor in front of him, and without thinking, she reached up to stroke his hair, as though she was comforting a small child. He leaned into her hand, biting his lip to keep from crying.

"Jimmy," she began.

"Please Rachel," he pleaded. "Don't." He knew he had to get away from her, before he completely lost his hold on his emotions.

When he started to stand up, he saw the knife again, lying on the floor.

He picked it up, and wiping it clean with the towel, he threw the knife away as if it were a child's broken toy. Then, as if nothing had happened, he started on Buck's other boot.

"Jimmy, what's going on?" asked Rachel, looking Jimmy straight in the eye. Her eyes were teary and filled to the rim with confusion. Jimmy stared at her, wishing that he had his gun cleaning kit with him. Cleaning his gun always helped him figure things out when he didn't know what to do.

What was he going to tell Rachel? He could just show her. That way he wouldn't have to open his mouth. He didn't think that he would be able to open his mouth.

Quietly he moved past Rachel to Buck and with great care he removed the blankets. When she saw the condition of Buck's arms, Rachel's hand moved to her mouth and her eyes flared up as if they were plates.

"Wha...?" That was all she managed to utter.

"Now let's wait for Teaspoon to come back with the doc," concluded Jimmy covering Buck up again.


	9. Chapter 8

Jimmy heard the horses coming into the yard knowing that Teaspoon had returned with Doctor Weaver. Buck's fever was up again, despite Rachel's best efforts, so their arrival came not a moment too soon.

As he came out the front door to meet them, he saw Cody, coming out of the bunkhouse in his long-johns.

"What's goin' on?" Cody called as the doctor went inside with Jimmy.

"Nothin' Cody. Go back to sleep," Teaspoon answered.

Cody shrugged and made his way toward the outhouse. For once, he didn't ask a million questions. Perhaps he was too tired to really notice what was going on.

Teaspoon took the stairs two at a time to catch up with the two other men. They entered the room, too see Rachel applying a cool towel to Buck's face. He was covered in quilts and shivered slightly.

Rachel stood up to let the doctor come closer and examine Buck.

"I explained to Doc how Buck got jumped on this last run…" In a way, Teaspoon's voice sounded. Like he didn't want to admit to himself what had really happened to Buck.

Rachel turned quickly to look at Teaspoon. Jumped on a run? If that's all it was, then why didn't Teaspoon just say so, and why was Jimmy a mess? It didn't make sense. She opened her mouth to speak when Jimmy, standing next to her, grabbed her hand and squeezed it, hard. He caught her eye and, almost imperceptibly, shook his head. Even though her confusion was mounting, Rachel kept silent.

"Well," Dr Weaver began, "I can tell you what's causing the fever. Some of these cuts are infected."

From where he stood, the doctor was blocking their view of Buck. Rachel stepped forward to see what he was talking about. He had pulled back the covers and opened Buck's shirt, gently removing it.

Though she had seen the wounds before, Rachel stared wide-eyed at the sight before her. It was only now she could comprehend how seriously hurt Buck actually was. Buck's chest and arms had several cuts. Some were very fresh, and at least two of them were badly infected; the skin around the cut an angry, swollen red.

Rachel quickly covered her mouth to stifle a cry. She stumbled slightly and would have fallen if Jimmy hadn't put a strong arm around her waist, holding her steady.

After carefully inspecting Buck's wounds, Doctor Weaver covered him up, pulling the quilts up to his chin.

"Those cuts are going to have to be cleaned and kept dry. I'll leave some ointment with you that will help them heal more quickly and help with the scarring. One of them should have been stitched but it's too late now." He looked at Teaspoon, a question in his eyes, and then continued with his instructions.

"I'll give him some laudanum for the fever. He's young, he should recover all right. I'll be back in the morning to check though. You've got to keep those wounds clean until they heal."

"Will do Doc. Appreciate you comin' out so late." Teaspoon put his hand on the other man's shoulder in a gesture of thanks.

"I'll just leave the ointment here, Miss Dunne…"

"Thank you Doctor." Rachel's voice was barely above a whisper, as she looked past him at Buck, lying unconscious on the bed.

Dr. Weaver prepared the laudanum dose, and after administering it, he explained to them how much more to give the next day. Then he let Teaspoon walk him out.

"Thank you again Dr. Weaver. We'll be lookin' for you in the morning."

"Are you sure this happened on an Express run Teaspoon?" the doctor asked.

"Yes sir. At least that was Buck's story when he got back today."

"That's very odd, because some of those cuts are nearly healed. At least a week old. Some older." Dr. Weaver looked the stationmaster in the eye for a long moment. Teaspoon never even blinked.

When he got back upstairs, Rachel met him in the doorway.

"Teaspoon, are you going to tell me what in God's name is going on here?" She spoke in loud whisper, trying to control her emotions and trying not to disturb Buck.

Jimmy stood behind her, his eyes downcast. "And don't tell me that Buck got jumped on a run! Who did this? Why won't either of you tell me anything?"

"Now Rachel, just calm down." Teaspoon led her outside the bedroom into the hallway.

Rachel was quiet, but she glared at both Teaspoon and Jimmy, her eyes demanding an answer.

The two men looked at each other, at a loss as to how to explain this to her.

Finally, Jimmy spoke. "You know how upset Buck's been since Ike…"

"Yes. Yes of course I do. I worry about him every day."

"He feels like it's his fault. Like maybe if he'd gotten there sooner, he could've saved Ike. I tried to tell him thinkin' that didn't do any good…" Jimmy's voice trailed off, not finishing the sentence. He cleared his throat, not sure he could go on with the explanation, and not sure what to say if he did.

"It's all right son. Take your time." Teaspoon put a reassuring hand on Jimmy's shoulder.

"About a month ago, I got in late from a run. When I was in the barn, I saw blood in Sampson's stall. I found some old, bloody bandages in there too. I didn't know what to make of it. I couldn't see how one of us could have got hurt and not told anyone else about it. I kept watchin' everybody to see what I could figure out. I snuck in there a couple more times and found more blood…"

Rachel listened, still confused by his story. What did this have to do with Buck's injuries?

"It seemed to me that whoever it was, I always missed him. I figured I needed to create an alibi and hide out the barn all the time. So I said that I was going to visit my sister. I hid in the stall next to Sampson…" Jimmy stopped, and looked at Teaspoon and Rachel. "I saw Buck come in to the barn, and he went into Sampson's stall. He took out his knife and…" Jimmy looked away, unable to finish.

Rachel stared at him in disbelief. What he was saying was so foreign to her that she couldn't seem to comprehend it.

"Do you mean to say that Buck… that he did this to himself?" Her voice broke as she finished the sentence.

Jimmy nodded. "I didn't know what to do…right up to then I didn't know who it was. Then when that happened, it all made sense, the way he's been lately."

He turned to Teaspoon then, and tried to explain what had happened that night.

"I tried to talk to him…I told him this was crazy and asked him what the hell he thought he was doin'. At first he tried to deny it, then he just told me I wouldn't understand. Said it wouldn't make sense to a white man."

"Why would he hurt himself like that?" Rachel asked, tears in her voice.

"He said that it was a release. That it helped him forget." Jimmy bit his lip, not knowing what else to say. Should he going to tell Rachel and Teaspoon that Buck had begged him to pull the trigger? No, that wasn't a good idea. They were both worried sick already.

"What are we going to tell the other boys when they wake up?" Rachel asked, seeming to have calmed down a bit.

"What I told Weaver. That Buck got jumped on a run and didn't think that it was any serious until the wounds got infected."

"Teaspoon's right." Jimmy confirmed. "He kept it from us ever since Ike died. The fewer people that know, the better. Now lets try and break that fever." He concluded and went back into Buck's room.

After Jimmy had left, the two continued the conversation.

"Rachel, why don't you start breakfast. The others should be up any minute now." Teaspoon said softly, placing a hand on Rachel's shoulder. "I'll go check up on Buck and Jimmy."

"Yeah, I guess," Rachel whispered. The whole situation had put a damper on her usually cheery disposition.

Buck was sleeping peacefully now. The laudanum had done what it was supposed to do, but his fever was still high. Jimmy sat down on the chair and held the damp cloth to Buck's head.

"Now you just hafta decide that you're gonna live," he whispered.

Teaspoon stood by the door. Even though the situation wasn't good, he couldn't help but to smile at how grown up Jimmy had become over the past year. He liked to think that he, at least, played a small part in that.

"Why don't you get some sleep? You look like hell. I'll make sure that there's some breakfast left over for you." Teaspoon tried to take the cloth away from Jimmy, but he wouldn't give it up.

"No, I ain't leaving him."

"Jimmy," Teaspoon sighed. "You done all that you could. Buck is resting now. And you need to rest too."

"NO!" Jimmy raised his voice and Teaspoon backed off.

"Jimmy, though we all hope that Buck's gonna be fine," he took a pause, "but you can't save a person from themselves."

"So you're saying that he's gonna die?" Jimmy looked at Teaspoon in disbelief. "You've given up on him? Just 'cos he made a few mistakes?"

"Jimmy, that ain't what I'm saying. We all make bad choices every once in a while. What I'm saying is that Buck might have decided that he don't want to live. We have to be prepared for that."

"Well, he ain't gonna die. I'll make sure of that." Jimmy said firmly before he turned back to Buck.

Teaspoon left the room, knowing that eventually, Jimmy would understand.

"Where's Buck?" Cody asked as he sat down at the table. "He wasn't in the bunkhouse this morning."

Rachel looked at Teaspoon and Teaspoon looked at Rachel. Neither knew what to say to their small family.

"Well...?" Cody continued. Looking from one person to the other.

"Cody. Boys. Lou. Buck's sick." It's best to just get to the point than to row around like a fool. "He got jumped on a run. Fool didn't think that it was serious enough to see the doc until infection set in. Jimmy's with him over at the main house as we speak. Buck's a strong boy, he'll make it through."

Teaspoon felt terrible about lying to them like that. But he knew that it was for the best that they didn't know. He carefully tried to read the expressions on everyone's faces. Even a blind man could tell that, though none said a peep, they all cared deeply about Buck.


	10. Chapter 9

Jimmy wondered what went through Buck's head right now. He didn't look at all troubled, but that was because of the laudanum. It wasn't really Buck that looked so peaceful, it was a drug that lessened the pain so that he could concentrate on fighting the infection.

Did Buck really want to fight the infection? Would Buck ever wake up again? Jimmy shook his head to rid himself of the thought. Thinking about the worst didn't help anything. But Weaver hadn't said the words – that Buck would be fine again. He had said that Buck was young and should recover all right. Should. Right now he hated that word. If he could, he would line it up against the wall and shoot the heck out of it. Yeah, that was just what he wanted to do.

Jimmy dreamt. Exhaustion had finally got to him and he had fallen asleep in the simple wooden chair next to the bed. He dreamt of fulfilling his wish to line should up against the wall and shooting the heck out of it. Then his mind started to wander to what would happen if Buck didn't make it. If the infection won. Was it that he wouldn't fight it and give in, or did he try to fight, but the infection was so much stronger than him? Those thoughts went through Jimmy's head as he stood next to the bed that contained Buck's dead body. The sheet that he was covered in was soaked with blood. Noah, Kid, Lou, Teaspoon, Rachel, Jesse and Cody stood next to him. They were all weeping over a lost friend.

"What do you mean?" Lou asked. "Why didn't he say something once the cut got infected?" If Kid hadn't gently held her back, she would have tilted the table over as she tried to stand up. Five pair of eyes looked at Teaspoon, waiting for an answer. Rachel searched her mind for something optimistic to say, but her brain seemed to have left her head.

Jesse was the one to break the silence. "Ain't Jimmy supposed to be with his sister or something?"

Teaspoon hadn't thought about that one. How could he have been so stupid not to think of a reason why Jimmy wasn't in Seneca? He was too wrapped up in hoping that Buck would make it through that he had forgotten that small detail.

"Jimmy was the one that found Buck and figured that his sister could wait."

"But the time..." Jesse was about to ask why the timing didn't fit, but quickly shut his mouth when Noah kicked him under the table and gave him a stare that said; 'open your mouth and you'll find yourself dead.'

After everything had settled at the table, Rachel went to check on Jimmy and Buck. She was glad to find that they were both asleep. They both needed rest and lots of it. Gently, she wrapped a blanket around Jimmy and careful not to make any noise, she left the room.

The next few days went by in a haze. Everyone took turns keeping an eye on Buck and Weaver stopped by every second day. Jimmy stayed at Buck's bedside all the time.


End file.
